


under the kitchen lights (you still look like dynamite)

by poetkjh



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: (we've all been there), M/M, Underage Drinking, also seungjin kinda, chan is straight im sorry, denial of being gay, jisung is finding himself, minsung - Freeform, side changlix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-12 16:16:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15998831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poetkjh/pseuds/poetkjh
Summary: jisung thinks he'll never find a girlfriend... he's right





	under the kitchen lights (you still look like dynamite)

**Author's Note:**

> the title is really dumb but it's a troye sivan song so!  
> also this is my first work i'm sorry if it sucks but i really wanted to write minsung bc i love them :(

Jisung really thought he would never find love.

He had never had a girlfriend; he had never even had a crush on a girl. He didn’t think he was ugly, but he didn’t think he was attractive either. He thought he was the most average boy out there who couldn’t catch anyone’s attention, but he didn’t mind it very much because no one caught his attention either.

He was curious, though. He wanted to know what’s it like having a crush, what it’s like waiting for someone who makes your heart flutter to enter the room so you can feel it soar, what it’s like talking to someone you like – not as a friend, but more. He wanted to know what it’s like not being able to focus on someone’s words because you’re too distracted by their lips and all you want to do is lean in and taste them.

His best friend had a girlfriend. He barely talked about her, but Jisung has met her when Chan brought her to meet his friends and he saw the way he looks at her. He saw how Chan sees nothing but her. He heard him whisper how much he loves her once. 

He wanted to feel that.

He has never explicitly told anyone how he felt. He never told anyone he doesn’t find the girls his friends show him that pretty, like they do. He pretended. “Yeah, she’s hot”, he said, always with that fake tone to pretend that he’s interested. 

He spent his days ignoring the thoughts about Chan and his girlfriend and how he wanted to feel that. He ignored his loneliness, he ignored how worthless he felt because he’s never even kissed anyone in his eighteen years of being alive. He ignored how he saw his imperfections when he looked in the mirror and how his first thought at those times is “this is why I’ll never find love”.

He put all his feelings into music; he wrote lyrics no one would ever read, recorded songs no one would ever hear.

 

 

“Hey Jisung”, Chan said when he entered the studio. It was almost 10pm – Jisung has been in the studio for six hours already. 

“Hey, Chan-hyung. How was your date?” Jisung offered a fake smile – he really was interested in Chan’s life and happiness, but he couldn’t make himself smile honestly.

Chan didn’t notice anything. “It was great! Actually, that’s why I came here. It’s her birthday next weekend and I’m throwing her a surprise party so I came to invite you.”

“Oh. Yeah, of course I’ll come. What should I buy, though? I don’t know what girls want as gifts.”

“Just buy a perfume or something cute, I don’t know. It’s just important that you come and that you don’t tell her.”

“Of course, hyung”, Jisung smiled softly. “Who else is coming?”

“Well, you, me, Changbin, Felix, some of her friends, her brother and some of his friends maybe. Why?”

“I’m just curious”, Jisung said. “Her brother? How come? Why would she want children at her party?”

“He’s nineteen and if you haven’t noticed our friends are even younger than that”, Chan said seriously.

“Okay, okay, hyung, I was just asking. Well, I’m looking forward to it”, Jisung smiled, honestly this time.

 

 

He was anxious. He thought the birthday party would be just a gathering – watching movies, eating pizza, maybe drinking some beer, maybe playing board games.

This was different.

Chan told him to dress up – a shirt, slacks, maybe some jewelry if he has some. He did it, even though he was confused as to why would he need that kind of outfit for sitting on the couch and eating pizza?

He was then informed by Changbin that they’re going to an actual party. With lots of heavy liquor, loud music, drunk people, truth or dare.

Why would Chan want to throw that kind of party for his girlfriend’s birthday was beyond him, but maybe it was because it was her 21st birthday so everything was in the form of being able to legally drink.

Jisung, however, wasn’t able to legally drink. And neither was Chan, whose 21st birthday is in two months. And neither was Changbin, who was nineteen. 

He didn’t like this. At all.

He walked slowly alongside his friends while entering the house, a semi-expensive perfume wrapped in heart-patterned paper in his hand. He tried to regulate his breathing. He really hated this.

The house was dark and lit up only with fairy lights and dim lightbulbs. Birthday decorations were hung on the walls and bottles of wine and whiskey were already on the table, waiting.

“Hey guys!” Chan said excitedly. “You’re finally here.”

“Yeah”, Changbin smiled. “Where’s the birthday girl?”

“Her friends are getting her ready. As if she’s not the most beautiful girl at all times”, he rolled his eyes. “But she wants to be even prettier today so get ready to be blinded by her beauty!”

Jisung saw the love in Chan’s eyes even when she wasn’t in the room. He was jealous.

He really wishes he could have that kind of love. 

Sigh.

“Hey Chan!” Jisung heard an unknown voice. He turned around towards the door and saw… A boy.

The cutest boy in the world.

“Are these your friends? Why have I never met them? I thought we were friends”, he frowned jokingly and Jisung couldn’t stop staring at him.

He wanted to get a drink, even though he legally shouldn’t. He needed one.

“Hey, Minho! Guys, this is Minho. These are my best friends, Changbin, Felix and Jisung”, Chan said happily.

Changbin confidently shook hands with Minho, telling him it’s nice to meet him. Felix did too, a little less confidence in his voice, but he was still sure of what he was doing.

Jisung was shaking. “J-jisung. Nice to m-meet you”, he tried to smile but failed.

“Nice to meet you, too.” Minho flashed a smile brighter than the sun itself. “Who wants a drink?”

“Me”, Jisung said even before Minho finished his question. 

He didn’t know what was going on. He felt anxious because of the party, but he also felt weird whenever he looked at Minho. He didn’t understand.

Minho was a boy.

And that boy offered him a drink and tried having small-talk with him. But Jisung couldn’t focus. He did tell him about how long he’s known Chan, about how sweet his sister is toward him. He also told him his age and that he’s homeschooled.

He doubted Minho would remember any of it, considering the tempo of their drinking.

“Oh hey!”, Minho yelled at one moment, while Jisung was in the middle of saying something. “I’m sorry, Jisung, my friends are here! Wanna meet them?”

Jisung nodded.

He watched how Minho hugged a tall, handsome boy, and then a shorter, cute one. Why did Jisung never hug his friends? He loves his friends. He wants to tell them that right now.

“Guys, this is Jisung. Jisung, this is Hyunjin and this is Seungmin”, Minho said.

“It’s nice to meet you, guys, but I have to find my friends, I’m sorry”, Jisung hurriedly said and walked away as fast as possible. He feels weird and he doesn’t know why. He wants to find his friends, tell them he loves them and go home.

He ran into Changbin in the staircase. “Changbin-hyung! I love you! So much!”, he said and started hugging him.

“You’re drunk”, his friend laughed. “I love you too, but you’re going to have such a huge hangover tomorrow.”

“I don’t care. I love you”, he kept repeating. “Where’s Chan? I love him, too.”

“I don’t know.”

“I want to find Chan and tell him I love him and go home.”

“Why do you want to go home?”

Jisung just realized how Changbin’s hand settled around his waist and how he’s rubbing his back with the other. He really loves Changbin.

“I don’t know. I don’t like this. I feel weird. I love you.”

“Okay, come here.” He felt a hand being placed in his. “Sit here. I’ll find Chan and tell him we’re leaving. Don’t. Move. Okay?”

“Okay, Changbinnie-hyung. I love youuuuu.”

It was a lot more quiet upstairs. He could hear the music faintly and he saw Minho’s friend, he didn’t know which one, dancing with someone downstairs. He felt weird. Maybe he needed to throw up.

Then he heard someone laughing – it was the most melodious sound he has ever heard. He wanted to hear it again. It was high and cute. Really cute. 

He closed his eyes, in hopes the person would laugh again and he could focus on the sound.

“Jisungie.”

“Shhhh”, Jisung shushed whoever dared to talk to him. What if the person laughs and he misses it?

“Jisungie, Changbin told me you want to go home so I’m here to take you. You’re both too drunk to drive, especially you.”

“Okie, hyung. Do you know that I love you? Because I do.” Jisung jumped into Chan’s arms.

“I love you too. Let’s go.”

 

Jisung barely opened his eyes the next morning.

He couldn’t believe he drank so much with an unknown boy he’ll probably never see again. He couldn’t believe he drank so much in the first place.

He still remembers the dark-haired boy’s smile and how gentle his voice sounded. He still remembers the way he hugged his friends as if he hasn’t seen them in years, and not maybe a few days, or even hours. 

He wanted to see that boy again.

 

“Jisung, look at this girl”, Changbin said while they were walking towards the studio. “She’s pretty, isn’t she?”

“Yeah, she’s cute”, he said. To be honest, he hasn’t even looked at her. It’s become a habit to just reply when his friends say something like that.”

“You should try talking to her.”

It took Jisung a few seconds to realize what his friends said. “What? Why?”

“You’ve never had a girlfriend, right? Why don’t you try?”

“Neither have you, hyung! You should talk to her.”

Changbin laughed out loud and Jisung didn’t know why. He seriously wanted Changbin to get a girlfriend. He wanted to get a girlfriend, too, but he didn’t know how to, and he didn’t find any girl extraordinary enough to try something.

“Jisungie… You do know Felix and I’ve been dating for a couple of weeks now?”

“What? You and Felix? What? Since when? Why didn’t I know?” How has he not noticed his best friends are dating each other? He thought he was a good friend but he obviously wasn’t.

“I don’t know, it just happened. And we haven’t told anyone but I thought we were pretty obvious. I mean, Chan noticed.”

“Chan notices everything! He noticed when I stopped wearing my bracelet on my left hand and put it on my right one. You know you need to explicitly tell me what’s going on. I feel so horrible now.”

“Oh my God, Jisungie. It’s okay! We haven’t told you so it’s understandable that you didn’t know. But now you do. And you should talk to that girl.”

“I… I don’t like her that way.”

“Oh. That’s okay, Jisungie.”

They haven’t spoken a word until they arrived at the studio.

 

It was 3am and Jisung was in the middle of recording the lyrics he wrote the day before. They were angry – he was angry because Changbin and Felix didn’t tell him something so important, because all his friends were happily in love and he wasn’t, because he will never have a girlfriend and he will never get married and he’ll die alone. He was angry at life.

He got out of the recording booth and saw Chan standing there.

“That… That was really good, Jisungie.”

Jisung couldn’t look at him in the eyes. “Thank you, hyung.”

“Do you want to talk, though? I noticed you aren’t okay lately, but I thought you’d come talk to me. You never did.” Jisung noticed the sad tone of his voice.

“It’s okay, hyung. I’m okay. What’s up?”

“Nothing. I came to see you. I haven’t seen you since the party.”

“Oh… Yeah. Nothing much happened since then.”

“Minho asked about you.”

Jisung’s eyes, that were staring at the floor since Chan walked in, now flew up and his friend noticed something light up inside them. “Really? How come?”

“He said he wants to hang out with you again. He says you’re a great drinking buddy”, Chan laughed awkwardly.

“Oh”, Jisung sighed.

“I gave him your number.”

Jisung felt his heart skip a beat. What the fuck? He wanted to open his chest and ask his heart what’s going on. They were talking about Chan’s friend. A boy Jisung saw once. 

A boy.

“Thanks, hyung. I should get going, I’m getting tired. Thank you for coming”, JIsung smiled and hugged his friend. “I love you hyung. Even when I’m not drunk”, he giggled.

 

The hands on the clock just wouldn’t move. And Jisung wouldn’t stop staring at it.

Can Minho just text him already?

He didn’t know why he was looking forward to it so much, but something in him wanted to talk to Minho again. See him again.

After he came back from the studio, he started thinking. He was really tired, but the thoughts kept him awake for a while.

What if he really likes Minho? Not just him, but boys in general? 

His best friends are gay. Changbin and Felix are boys dating each other. They both like boys. 

No. Jisung isn’t gay. He just… Doesn’t really like girls.

Fuck.

Changbin answered him on the first ring. “Hey Jisungie, what’s up?”

“H-hyung… Can I… Can I ask you something… Important?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, I just… Can I please ask you?”, Jisung was mumbling and stuttering and he didn’t know why his heart was beating so fast.

“Of course, Jisungie, shoot.”

He took a deep breath and tried to slow down his heartbeat. “How… How did you know you liked boys?”

“I don’t know. It did take me a while. When I think about it now, I remember liking boy characters in movies much more than girls. I guess I realized when I met Felix and noticed how flustered he makes me feel and how I want to spend every second of the day with him, you know? It’s exactly like Chan with his girlfriend, it’s just that I feel that way about a boy.”

Jisung took all of this in. It’s like liking girls, but with boys. Okay.

 

Minho did text him. Jisung freaked out and it took him ten minutes to calm down so he could text him back. And they kept texting back and forth after that.

All of Jisung’s friends started asking him why is he always on his phone, but they were happy because he started smiling a lot more. “I don’t care if it’s furry porn you’re looking at, if it makes you happy, I’m happy”, Changbin said one day while they were out for coffee.

Jisung looked up from his phone. “What the fuck?? No!! I’m just texting.”

A collective “ooooh” could be heard. “Who are you texting?”, Chan smiled.

“He likes that person”, Felix said. “That’s why he’s blushing.” He was holding Changbin’s hand which was wrapped around Felix’s neck and for a split second Jisung imagined himself sitting with Minho like that.

Fuck. He’s in too deep.

“It’s just a friend, don’t worry, guys.”

The three boys looked at each other, but Jisung hadn’t noticed because Minho just started telling him a knock knock joke and that was more important than anything in the world.

 

“Fuck. I really, really like him.” 

It was three am and Jisung really should’ve been asleep a long time ago. Chan said he’s taking him out so he wanted to go to sleep earlier to get ready, but he stayed up texting Minho.

He really thought Minho liked him back. It seemed that way. But he didn’t know what Minho was like with his other friends. What if he talked to his other friends that way too? Are they really flirting or is Jisung just desperate?

He still hasn’t told his friends he thinks he’s gay. 

Knows he’s gay?

He just knows he likes Minho. He really does. 

And that day, at 3am, Minho asked him if they’ll ever hang out in person again. And Jisung felt his stomach fill with butterflies.

 

“Hey Channie-hyung. Where are we going?”

“You’ll see” was all Chan said, but he smiled so Jisung didn’t mind. He noticed Changbin and Felix aren’t going with them so he assumed they’re on a date. He felt a sting of jealousy – he wanted to go on a date with a boy. Boy? Minho. No other boy could even cross his mind.

“How have you been lately? I feel like we haven’t talked much”, Chan said as he started driving.

“Oh. Really good, hyung. What about you?”

“Same here”, Chan smiled. “I’m really glad you’re happy. I haven’t seen you this happy probably ever.”

Jisung didn’t know how to reply. He just smiled and picked on a string peeking out of his trousers. He couldn’t believe a boy he saw once, while he wasn’t even sober, made him feel this way.

But he was happy. He found himself. He realized he isn’t straight, that he doesn’t have to pretend to like girls. He was unknowingly lying to himself and he felt like he can finally breathe now that he isn’t anymore.

When he looked up, they were in front of Minho’s house. He looked at Chan.

“I’ve been informed that Minho and you have been texting a lot lately, so I figured that’s why you’re so happy. Go for it.” Chan gave him the warmest smile and leaned in for a hug.

“What do I do, hyung?” He was shaking. He wanted to go in there and just… kiss Minho. But he couldn’t do that. “What if he doesn’t like me that way?”

“Do you really think I’d bring you here if he didn’t?”

 

Knock, knock.

Jisung was shaking with anxiety. What if Minho looks at him and realizes he looks even worse than he did that night – he couldn’t even see him properly. It was dark and he was tipsy when he first saw him. He couldn’t even see JIsung’s photos on social media because there aren’t any, unlike on Minho’s Instagram account. That boy is extremely pretty. And good at taking selfies.

The door opened and Jisung couldn’t breathe. He felt all the air being kicked out of his lungs just because Minho… Existed. 

“Jisungie? Oh my God, what are you doing here?, Minho said with a happy, but confused note in his voice. “I thought we said Saturday. But don’t worry, I’m not complaining. Come in, Hyunjin and Seungmin are here.”

Jisung still hasn’t said a word. He walked behind Minho quietly. Halfway he realized it’s not the way to the living room, but to Minho’s room. 

“Guys, look who’s here!”, Minho said happily.

“Jisung!!” Hyunjin and Seungmin looked excited to see him. Does that mean Minho told them about him? Probably not. They probably just remember him from the party and don’t want to sound rude.

“Sit down, grab a pizza slice. We’re watching Mean Girls”, Minho giggled. “It was Seungmin’s choice.”

Without a word, Jisung said exactly what Minho told him to. He felt Minho sit next to him. Really close next to him.

Their shoulders were touching. Jisung gulped.

Throughout the movie, Minho kept making comments and lip-syncing to the iconic quotes. Jisung felt his heart flutter whenever he heard him laugh in a low voice. 

At some point, Jisung doesn’t remember which because he just couldn’t make himself focus on the movie when Minho was so! close! to! him! that he could feel his body warmth, Minho laughed out loud. His laugh was high and beautiful. Melodious.

And then it hit Jisung. 

It’s the laugh from the party. It was him.

Jisung contained the urge to kiss Minho the entire day. Even after Hyunjin and Seungmin left, after they ate two whole pizzas and bullied Minho for dancing along to Jingle Bell Rock (Jisung thinks he did an amazing job, though), he tried to resist. 

“Really though, how come you came over?”

“I… I wanted to see you. Honestly.” Jisung couldn’t believe he just said that. 

“Oh. Well. I’m glad. Because I really wanted to see you. Ever since the party.” He took a few steps closer towards Jisung and never broke eye contact.

“Really? Why?”

Minho hesitated for a few seconds, and then he sat down next to Jisung and started talking. Jisung doesn’t really remember everything – his lips were so nice to look at, especially when they kept moving and they were so plump and kissable and –

“Jisung. Did you hear me?”

“What?”

“I like you. Okay? I like you. Ever since you told me you’ve never even stepped foot in a high school, that you met Chan while trying out auditions for random companies you didn’t get accepted to so you just said fuck it, that your favorite color is yellow even though everyone thinks it’s dark blue. Ever since you got so drunk you barely stood but you really wanted to tell your friends you love them. Ever since I texted you and you replied with “bless you” because your cat sneezed and you got distracted by that. Ever since you said our cats should become boyfriends. I wanted to be your boyfriend. I still do. Fuck, this was so cheesy”, Minho laughed nervously, “but I had to say it.”

Jisung felt his heart flutter. No, flutter is too weak of a word for that feeling. His heart felt like it would explode. Fuck, he really fucking liked Minho.

“Minho. I like you. I… I can’t express myself like you can but you just make me so happy and I want to kiss you and hold your hand and just spend time with you. You’re so annoying sometimes but fuck I really, really like you.”

“Jisung.” Minho whispered.

“Yes?”

“Can I kiss you?”

Jisung nodded. He never kissed anyone before, but he was sure this would be the best kiss in the world. He was sure no one kissed like that.

When he felt Minho’s soft lips on his, his heart soared. It reached heaven. Minho kept their lips pressed and then started moving. Jisung caught himself kissing him back, even though he was unsure how to do it properly. He opened his mouth a bit and felt Minho’s tongue lick his bottom lip. It tickled a bit, but it also felt really, really nice. He put his arms around Minho’s neck and felt his heart explode as the dark-haired boy deepened the kiss. 

He never thought this would happen. He thought he would be forever alone, or, if a miracle happened, that he’d marry a girl. He never expected to be kissing a nineteen years old boy in his bedroom at age eighteen. He never expected to have a crush on a boy. He never expected to have a crush.

He was happy.

“Jisungie”, Minho mumbled, not separating their lips. None of them wanted to pull away. 

“Mmm”, Jisung said, wanting to kiss Minho again. God, making out with a cute boy who likes you was nice.

“I’m really glad you like me back.”

Jisung was too shocked by this and pulled away. “Me? Liking you back? Who wouldn’t like you back, Minho? You’re the cutest boy in the world. I can’t believe you like me back, though.”

“Jisung. You’re the cutest boy probably ever. No one, in the six million years of humans existing, has ever been as cute as you. I don’t want you to think bad about yourself, ever. I was shocked that you liked me back because… I don’t know. Girls always told me I look like a fuckboy. I mean, I didn’t mind because I didn’t like them, but I thought it’s what you’d think of me too.”

“Shut up, Minho. You’re cute and you look nothing like a fuckboy. Perfect boy? That’s more like it.”

“Shut up, Jisung”, Minho imitated JIsung’s voice and kissed him again. Jisung didn’t hesitate to kiss him back.

He was really, truly happy. He liked a boy. And that boy liked him back. And that boy was kissing him and telling him he’s the cutest boy alive. God, he was gay. And happy.


End file.
